Solution 01 — FDE
Feelings
Deployed
Engineering.
Code is cheap. Feelings are infinite. Our Feelings Deployed Engineers embed deep inside your organization to understand not what you asked for, but what you meant — spiritually.
EMPATHY · AT · SCALE
Forward Deployed Engineers were a good start. But "forward" is merely a direction. We asked a harder question: what if the engineer was deployed not to your site, but to your soul? And what if they billed hourly?
The Journey
Four phases.
Zero exits.
Arrival
Your FDE appears in your lobby, unannounced, holding a matcha. They sit quietly for six to eight weeks. This is the Vibe Intake Period™. Do not make eye contact. They are absorbing.
Embedding
They acquire a badge, a desk, a parking spot, a 401(k), and a seat at your all-hands. Within a quarter they are load-bearing. Removal is technically possible but emotionally inadvisable.
Resonance
Your FDE translates Jira tickets into feelings, feelings into requirements, and requirements into a strong recommendation to purchase more SeriousBS & Ass. solutions.
Stickiness
Our FDEs bond with your infrastructure at a molecular level. Churn is a concept for companies that don't hug. We hug. Constantly. With consent forms.
Capabilities
Engineered to feel.
Every capability was designed in-house, in silence, by people who have been to Japan.
Empathy-as-a-ServiceEaaS
On-demand understanding, metered per sigh. Enterprise tier includes unlimited "I hear you."
Requirements Divination
Why gather requirements when you can sense them? Our FDEs read the room, the org chart, and occasionally your palm.
Passion Enablement Workshops
Half-day offsites where your team rediscovers why they got into tech. (Money. It was money. We reframe that.)
Sticky Deployment™
98% of customers are unable to remove us from their environment. The other 2% are still trying. We admire their spirit.
Onsite Reflection Pods
Acoustically isolated spaces for your FDE to process the emotional weight of your legacy codebase. Tissues included.
Synergy Journaling
Your FDE keeps a daily journal of your company's feelings. It is shared with our sales team. For empathy reasons.
Tech Specs
Precisely felt.
- Feelings per hour
- 140Peak 1,200 during QBRs and reorgs
- Empathy latency
- < 3 msFaster than you can say "let's take this offline"
- Deployment models
- On-prem, in-heart, hybridAir-gapped feelings available for regulated industries
- Certifications
- Certified Feelings Professional (CFP), Level IV Vibe AuditorAccredited by the SeriousBS & Ass. Institute of Feelings
- Uptime
- 99.999%FDEs do not sleep. They reflect.
- Contract length
- Yes
- Exit strategy
- NoneSee: Stickiness
In their words
Deeply felt testimonials.
“Our FDE, Kyle, has been here for fourteen months. We never signed a contract. We can't make him leave. Revenue is up 3%.”
“I asked for a dashboard. Our FDE held my hands and asked what a dashboard really meant to me. I wept. We bought four more products.”
“She knew our requirements before we did. She knew our passwords before IT did. Truly a visionary.”
Questions
You may wonder.
Is a Feelings Deployed Engineer actually an engineer?
In the same way a sunrise is a lamp. Technically correct, spiritually reductive.
What if my company doesn't have feelings?
Our FDEs bring enough for everyone. Overage charges apply beyond 140 feelings per hour.
Can I cancel?
You can try. Many have. Your FDE will be there to support you emotionally through the attempt.
How is this different from a consultant?
A consultant leaves at the end of the engagement. Ours become part of the family, and are named in at least one employee's will.
Ready to be understood?
An FDE is already on the way. They sensed you reading this.